In February 2025 I was given the privilege of being present at a Harvesters morning worship in Chatham, Kent. I was asked if I would present, and offer my thoughts, on the subject of “Effective Communication in Relationships”.

 

The majority of the audience were young people in their 20's, and at the end of my presentation they had some questions for me. I hope that my answers provided some further guidance. Following on from that day I was sent 14 additional questions and asked if I would answer these too.

 

Those 14 questions and my responses are provided in this blog and in the one to follow. I have permission from the church to replicate the Q&A.

 

1. How do you manage to communicate effectively (listening) when you have a very short attention span and busy mind?

There are 3 ways I try and use to help me with this:

• Practice – as someone is talking, repeat in your mind the words they are saying, in effect you are listening twice and thus you will retain more of what is said.
• Try and keep other things from distracting you, put down your phone, turn off the TV, move to a quieter place if possible.
• If you know you haven’t heard something, be honest and humble and ask the person to repeat it. They will feel heard and respected.

 

2. When do you know someone is out of love for you? And is admiring someone’s beauty cheating? E.g. you look good today, oh I love how you smell, etc.

If we have been with someone for a while we instinctively know if they are withdrawing from us. What they say to us and how they say it will change, they may make excuses for not seeing us or we see/hear them flirting with someone else. Flirting is not harmless fun, don’t accept this excuse. If you feel that this is the case the only way to know for sure, even if the answer hurts, is to ask them outright. Be brave and courageous. The initial impact will hurt, so ensure you have a close friend you can confide in confidentially or seek professional help from a counsellor.

 

3. Thinking about conflict resolution top 3 ways to deal with this?

1. Be humble. If the matter is not that serious, be wrong, even if you know you are right. However, see question 5 for further suggestions.
2. Walk away, literally if you can. Jesus did this on many occasions even though he was right and could have put the religious leaders of his day in their place.
3. Be clear as to what the conflict is about. Often this gets lost in the emotions and we end up arguing about something completely different. So, establish what it is you need to discuss and stick to this.

 

4. What’s your take on intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy is important in a relationship. It is often the only time when a couple engage in something just between the two of them, and therefore the time spent together is as important as what you do during this time. Make time for this in your lives.

However, intimacy cannot be the glue that holds a relationship together. Love must be that glue. Develop a deep love, affection and respect for each other because as we get older and the intimacy becomes less frequent, the relationship will still stand firm.

 

5. How do you respond when you keep quiet and listen and you feel attacked by the person speaking? How do u listen and don’t be quick to defend yourself.

This is difficult but there are a few things to remember:

1. As you listen, the other person will feel heard and respected, this may in turn, turn their attack into one of resolution.
2. What exactly are they attacking, you personally or something you may have done or said?
3. If we jump in to defend ourselves the situation will escalate as the other person will feel ignored and interrupt us, we then jump in again and before you know it, we have a full-scale argument.
4. If we have listened to the other person then, when it’s our turn, they should be willing to listen to us. If they are not, we can remind them that we listened to them without interrupting and we would ask them to do the same.
5. Practice what was stated in 1 & 3 above. Then you can respond in relation to what is said and not to how it was said or your emotional response.

 

6. How do you communicate with someone that has a predisposed notion of you?

If you suspect this then be direct and tell them how they make you feel. Use words such as ‘I feel….’ rather than ‘you make me feel’. Being accusatory never works. Also ask why they feel that way about you and then be prepared to listen, even if it’s difficult. Be humble and honest with yourself, we are often quick to defend ourselves rather than look inwards and see if there is an element of truth in what the other person is saying.

 

7. How do you manage your emotions and that of the other person while communicating without being defensive or undermine their feelings

You cannot manage the emotions of the other person and they should not try to manage yours. However, how we manage ours can influence the other person and may well help them to mirror us, if we can control ours.

Use breathing techniques to manage your emotions. Take deep breaths and hold this for a few seconds, before breathing out. Breath in through your nose and let the breath out like you are blowing through a straw.

If you feel your emotions are getting out of control, be open and honest and suggest that you take a break/come back to the matter another time.

At other times recognise what triggers your emotional responses, recognise these and use breathing/meditation/mindfulness to understand how and why you respond. If you find this difficult, join a yoga group to help with this or seek the help of another professional.

Self-development in relation to managing emotions is a life-long endeavour and will result in contentment, a more peaceful life and better relationships.

 

The final seven questions, and answers, will be part of a future blog, please look out for it.

 Author - Andrew Rewell

MBACP Therapeutic Counsellor