I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time, but every time I tried, I would stop halfway, feeling embarrassed or thinking it wasn’t important enough.

Maybe that’s the problem right there: as men, we’re taught to swallow our feelings; push them down, keep moving, and pretend everything’s fine—even when inside it feels like everything’s falling apart.

Over the last decade or so, I’ve gone through something I didn’t see coming: I lost my sense of self. It didn’t happen all at once; it was slow, like water wearing away at stone. On the outside, I kept showing up: to work, to family gatherings, to nights out with friends. But on the inside, I was quietly slipping away.

How we notice and manifest this is different for us all, we might catch our reflection in the mirror and not really recognize the person staring back. Our self-talk can turn harsh and constant: You’re not good enough. You’re failing. You should be stronger. I found myself comparing my life to others—friends who seemingly looked happier, people who were in a relationship, had more fulfilling careers, —and every comparison left me feeling smaller.

The hardest part wasn’t the sadness or anxiety. It was the emptiness: the sense that I didn’t know who I was anymore. That my worth depended on external things—my job title, my income, or how people perceived me, being in a relationship. And when any of those slipped (as they inevitably do), so did my confidence.

It took me a long time to realize how common this is for men. We’re conditioned to link our self-esteem to performance, strength, or success. We rarely learn to define ourselves by our values, our kindness, or the simple fact that we exist and that’s enough.

What finally pushed me to do something was a conversation with my brother who noticed the signs and suggested I go and see my GP.  I took his advice and thus started a journey of healing, regaining my self-worth; and the things I wanted in life, well the universe knew I needed these and so gradually, gently, they have arrived.

The conversation with my brother and GP didn’t fix everything, but it started something. I began seeing a therapist, which at first felt awkward, like wearing someone else’s clothes. But over time, therapy helped me untangle the mess in my head. I learned to notice the voice that told me I wasn’t good enough and to question it, rather than automatically believe it. I discovered parts of myself I’d ignored for years: creativity, vulnerability, compassion—not because they made me “better,” but because they were me.

Most importantly, I stopped measuring my worth purely by what I could produce or achieve. I started seeing value in simply being, being present for my partner, listening to a friend without trying to fix them, enjoying a quiet cup of coffee on a Sunday morning.

Remember – we are human beings NOT human doings. Therefore, if we concentrate on the doing, putting all our time, effort and money in work, sports, sex, acquiring lots of stuff, what are we when these areas of life are either taken from us or reduce because of health or other issues?

I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone. Too many men walk around carrying silent pain, convinced its weakness to talk about it. But it’s not weakness—it’s honesty. And honesty, I’ve learned, is where healing begins.

If you’re reading this and it feels familiar—if you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way—please know it doesn’t have to stay that way. Reach out. Speak up. Even if it’s messy, even if you don’t know the right words. You don’t have to do it alone.

Here’s a few things that have helped me as I journey along this road of discovery; they may help you too:

• Find someone to talk to, and who will just listen – it doesn’t matter if it feels like you’re speaking garbage, start the process of putting feelings into words.
• Ask others about how they would describe you, your strengths, your qualities and the areas you could work on. Ask your partner, children, parents, best friend, boss……whoever you like. And then listen. Don’t take comments as criticism but as honest food for your journey of discovery.
• Stop wearing a watch. We are so governed by time that we plan our lives using a spreadsheet mentality, even family activities and holidays. A few minutes to just breath are not wasted time. Does it really matter if walking the dog takes an extra 5 minutes?
• Breath – it sounds simple we do it every minute but just STOP! be still and just breath in through your nose and out through your mouth as if you were blowing through a straw. Repeat, repeat, repeat…..This grounds us, brings us into the here and now……we are just being.
• Do something just for you each week – something different from going to the gym!! Start reading a real paper book; take a few minutes to have a coffee on your own, perhaps in the garden or when out for a walk. This is not being selfish. It is part of discovering who you really are, becoming a better version of you. In turn you will be a better partner, father, son, employee, boss etc.
• Find a counsellor who understands and can empathise, and don’t just go and see them when times are tough, visit them periodically for a mental and emotional MOT.

I’m still figuring it out, and I probably always will be. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again—or maybe, like I’m finally meeting the person I was meant to be all along.

Andrew Rewell

(MBACP) Dip. Couns