The Problem with Traditional New Year’s Resolutions

Goals such as “go to the gym five times a week” or “lose a stone by summer” are outcome-focused and often rooted in self-criticism. They can unintentionally reinforce the belief that we are not good enough as we are.

When life inevitably gets in the way – illness, work stress, caring responsibilities, low mood – these resolutions can quickly turn into feelings of failure, guilt, or shame. By February, many people feel they’ve already “fallen off the wagon,” which can lead to giving up altogether.

From a therapeutic perspective, this cycle can damage motivation and self-trust rather than build them.

Shifting the Focus: From Doing to Feeling

An alternative approach is to set emotional intentions rather than rigid behavioral goals. Instead of asking, “What should I do this year?” you might ask:

• How do I want to feel?
• What matters to me emotionally?
• What would bring me a greater sense of peace, contentment, or balance?

Examples of feeling-based goals might include:

• “I want to feel calmer in my day-to-day life.”
• “I want to feel more at peace with my body.”
• “I want to feel more connected to others.”
• “I want to feel more content, rather than constantly striving.”

These intentions are flexible, compassionate, and far more sustainable.

Why Feeling-Based Goals Support Mental Wellbeing

Focusing on how you want to feel encourages self-awareness rather than self-judgement. It allows space for curiosity: What helps me feel calmer? What drains my energy? What supports my emotional wellbeing?

Unlike traditional resolutions, feeling-based goals adapt to your circumstances. If your aim is to feel more at peace, that might mean rest on some days, movement on others, or saying no when you need to. There is no single “right” way to achieve it.

This approach also aligns closely with therapeutic work, where progress is rarely linear and success is measured in greater self-compassion, emotional understanding, and resilience – not perfection.

Small Steps, Not Big Pressure

When goals are about feelings, the steps towards them tend to be smaller and kinder. For example:

• To feel more content, you might begin noticing moments of gratitude.
• To feel calmer, you might explore boundaries around work or social media.
• To feel more connected, you might prioritize one meaningful conversation a week.

These are not pass-or-fail targets. They are invitations to check in with yourself and respond with care.

A Gentler Start to the Year

You don’t need a new version of yourself to deserve peace, contentment, or happiness. You are allowed to begin the year exactly as you are.

If the idea of New Year’s resolutions feels heavy or discouraging, it may be worth letting them go. Instead, consider what you need emotionally and how you might support yourself in feeling more at ease in your own life.

Counselling can also be a space to explore these questions gently, helping you understand what truly matters to you and how to live in a way that feels more aligned, balanced, and kind.

This year doesn’t have to be about fixing yourself. It can simply be about feeling more at home with who you already are.

Author:

Andrew Rewell - Counsellor - MBACP